Living in My Truth: Why I Still Wait

"Anything you have to hide eventually hides you. I've learned that silence can sound like safety until it starts to suffocate your soul. Healing begins when you stop protecting what's hurting you and start addressing it––you can't heal what you don't confront."

I’ve always said I live in my truth, the good, the bad, and the in-between. I may not be bold enough to shout it from a stage, but when I write, my words carry the same power as if I was speaking through a microphone.

Because silence doesn’t heal anyone. And you never know who needs to hear your story just to realize… they’re not alone.

So here’s my truth:

I got baptized…gave my life to God…and still ended up in somebody’s bed.

Yeah. That part.

I’m single. I’m practicing abstinence, again.

And it’s not easy.

Some days I feel strong. Other days… I’m burning with passion and there’s no man in sight.

It’s not that I want to break it, i don’t.

But I’d be lying if I said it was easy when my heart wants love and my body wants touch.

I want marriage. I want family. I want to be chosen…

…but I want to be chosen right.

Because I don’t just want another body, I want covenant.

The Encounter with Mr. Nonchalant

My truth, this time, came through a man I’ll call Mr. Nonchalant.

Attractive. Mysterious. Funny. Educated.

The kind of man that pulls you in without even trying.

And me?

I didn’t just like him…

I believed God told me he was my husband.

Not casually.

Not “maybe.”

I mean deep in my spirit.

Things were said, conversations we had, that felt too specific to be coincidence. Things that mirrored what I had talked to God about in private.

So I moved differently.

I showed up soft. Open. Intentional.

At one point, I literally went to see him with the intention to wash his feet…

…and ended up in the sheets.

And if I’m honest?

I didn’t feel crazy in the moment.

I felt like I was stepping into something that just wasn’t fully time yet.

Like, “this is my husband… just not right now.”

So I justified it.

Quietly.

Then he ghosted.

No closure.

No explanation.

Just silence where I thought there was something sacred.

And I cried.

Not just over him…

But over the confusion.

Did I hear God wrong?

Did I move too fast?

Was I just emotional?

Was I played?

Months later… I see he’s on a trip with another woman.

That kind of pain?

It doesn’t just break your heart.

It disorients you.

And if I’m being real…

I didn’t handle it perfectly after that either.

Six months later, I slept with someone else.

And guess what?

Ghosted again.

At that point, it wasn’t even about them anymore.

It was me realizing:

I kept giving access to people who never proved they could hold me.

Where I Got It Wrong

This was the hard truth I had to face:

I wasn’t just drawn to him…I was drawn to the idea of what I thought God was doing.

And I confused:

• spiritual connection

• emotional attachment

• and physical intimacy

• 
  

…as confirmation.

Let me say something uncomfortable:

Just because someone says things that align with what you and God talked about doesn’t mean they were sent by God.

Sometimes people just know how to talk.

Sometimes you just want it to be real.

Love Without Boundaries

I’ve always had the ability to love deeply.

Unconditionally.

And that’s beautiful…

until it turns into self-abandonment.

Loving someone without conditions doesn’t mean ignoring:

• their inconsistency

• their lack of readiness

• their inability to choose you properly

Accountability & Repentance

I can’t tell this story without owning my part.

I chose intimacy.

I got ahead of God.

And when everything fell apart, I had to sit with that.

The guilt wasn’t just about what I did…

It was realizing I stepped outside of what I promised:

• God

• myself

• and my future husband

But grace met me there.

1 John 1:9 says:

“If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us…”

So I turned back.

Again.

Started over.

Again.

Because grace doesn’t keep count…it keeps calling you home.

The Subtle Ways I Punished Myself

Even after forgiveness, I was still hard on me.

Quietly.

• Replaying everything

• Calling myself foolish

• Questioning if my desire for marriage was even from God

• Guarding my heart so tightly nothing could get in

  
  

But Romans 8:1 reminded me:

“There is now no condemnation…”

So why was I condemning myself?

Guarded vs. Discerning

I had to learn this:

Guarding builds walls. Discernment builds filters.

Matthew 7:16 says:

“You will know them by their fruits.”

So now I don’t just listen…

I watch.

The Real Shift

This is where everything changed for me:

Before:

• Feel → attach → give access → get hurt

  
  

Now:

• Observe → discern → set boundaries → move with intention

  
  

Why I Still Wait

So yes…

I’m still waiting.

Still abstaining. Still learning. Still choosing God, even when it’s hard.

Some days I cry. Some days I question. Some days I feel strong.

But every time I think about walking away, I realize:

I don’t want to be anywhere else.

And maybe the biggest realization of all?

I wasn’t just waiting for a man…

I was learning how to wait with God.

I was never alone.

Even in my loneliness…Even in my desire…Even in my mistakes…

He was there.

Refining me. Healing me. Teaching me how to love without losing myself.

Closing Thought

The men I've encountered may never realize what they fumbled.

And that’s okay.

Because my responsibility was never to prove my worth to anyone…

It was to find me again.

To love without betraying myself. To trust God’s timing. And to believe that my desire for marriage wasn’t a mistake…

It was planted.

And in the right time...

It will bloom the right way.

And if there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s this:

Loving others unconditionally means nothing if I don’t also love myself the way God already does.